Ok….ok……ok……..ok……….that’s all I can seem to say. Why did he have to tell me when I’m driving? Couldn’t he have waited until we got back home? On the other hand, would I have been mad at him for not telling me earlier? Oh well, here we are, can’t change it now. I’m trying with all my might to concentrate on driving the short 3 minutes to Subway while processing the simple, yet complex fact that this is really happening. My gut reaction is, “I can’t do this! What are we doing? I can’t raise a child. Especially not 3 months from now. I’m not ready!” Luckily this gut reaction of panic fades by the time we reach the parking lot.
We get to Subway after my long day of choir, school, faculty meeting, and grad class. I should be famished, but I can barely even think about eating. We manage to get our sandwiches and head home, where mine remained half uneaten. There are so many things going through my head. I start asking Scott questions, to which he responds, “I don’t know. I told you everything she told me.” Of course I want to say, “What do you mean you don’t know? Why didn’t you ask?”, but I don’t.
After dinner we come up with a list of questions to ask our agent and then a list of questions to ask the birth parents on Sunday. At this point all I want to do is shout from the mountain tops the good news! Scott gently reminds me not to tell too many people in case it doesn’t work out. I sadly keep the news to myself. This is not easy for me. I want to talk out my feelings and thoughts, but have no one to do that with. I’m already thinking about how my “maternity” leave will affect things at school. I’m thinking about the fact that we have mostly short sleeve outfits for those first few weeks, which will have to be supplemented with blankets and sweaters with a December birth. Which part of December will it be? Will we be able to go to Iowa for Thanksgiving to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday, or will we need to stay here just in case she goes into labor? We won’t be able to go back to Iowa for Christmas break either. I’m not going to travel that far with a newborn. These are all the things I’m thinking about. Scott is thinking, “should we get her two-year-old daughter a small gift for Sunday?” I guess that is the motherly instinct in me. Let’s just hope I can sleep tonight. If not…I guess it’s practice for later.
Note: This was written on September 13 to be published at a later date.
By the way, as of today, Sept. 22, things have sunk in and I’m feeling much better and very excited!