(You’ve decided that you like to join a fraternity of parents, so you go to a mixer and talk to current member to get the details. )
Evening! So, you’d like to join our fraternity? Typically the pledge process takes nine months to clear, but we’ve had some make it in quicker through an alternative process, while others can get really frustrated when we take years to process them. What really irritates them is when someone accidently pledges our fraternity and makes it in faster. The accidental pledges often complain that they were here only the one time, but it only takes once.
You thought the wait was tough, the hazing process is brutal. For the first few weeks we’ll wake you up every two hours. We’ll scream at you, and you’ll have to guess what’s wrong and fix it. Of course, every fifth time we scream at you they’re be nothing you can fix, so you’ll have to deal with it.
Membership isn’t free, so you’ll have to pay us a little every week. In 18 years, you’ll owe the university a huge chuck of change for the next four years. I can’t tell you how much that is now since it changes faster than inflation.
The first two years of membership we won’t appreciate you. Between 13 and 20 years from now, we’ll forget all the good you’ve done for us and will be embarrassed by you. If times get tough, you’ll need to make room in your basement for us.
Now I’m sure you are wondering what the benefits of membership are. You get to brag about us to your friends and family. You get to shape the direction we go in the future. Those are the obvious benefits. The not so obvious benefit is the support of your fellow pledges. Many of your friends and family have already pledged and joined. They know the difficulties getting in, making it through the hazing part, and are willing to help you. You’ll receive thoughtful gifts, pieces of advice, and a helping hand. You’ll be at church one Sunday and a fellow pledge who’s never talked to you before will see it in your face that you are being hazed at that moment and will offer you help. A friend who you thought you lost contact with will surprise you with generosity. No, they didn’t disappear, they were pledging.
Now remember these gifts, and be sure to pay it forward. Someday you’ll run into a new pledge, and they’ll need advice. Someday a friend will be hazed and they’ll need a lunch. Someday someone will be paying their membership dues, and they’ll need a supportive friend.
Now, no matter what we do to you, you’ll think it was worth it. Which is true. We’re pretty awesome, so that’s why we can get away with all these demands. We’re the DVR of life. You know that somehow you survived without us, but to lose us would be devastating. Life with us will feel more….complete.
Still interested in joining? Good! I’ll start you out with a sore back, stomach ache and a deadline at work What, I didn’t mention those? It’s all in the fine print. All terms are subject to change. No returns. Enjoy!